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March 19th, 2009
10:45 pm - Keeping a tally, but who can keep tack?
I'M GOING HOME!!!
Ever since I've been living in this hell of a house I've never felt so neglected in my life. Now, I'm finally going to live somewhere where I actually feel appreciated. Yeah, it took me a while to figure it out, but I do know that my mothers house, is in fact home for me.
Yeah... you can say I'm kinda happy.
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March 14th, 2009
01:31 pm - Looking out my front door in the morning.
It's all coming up so fast.
In two years I will hopefully be graduating high school, but at the looks of it I'm not to sure...
In two years I will be the big one-eight. Holy fuck.
In two years I will finally be having to support myself and live in the "real world" on my own and frankly that scares the shit out of me.
No, really.
I have a lot of growing up to do and a lot has been on my mind in the past couple of weeks.
My mind is realizing who my real friends are, and my not so real friends.
I'm trying to do better in school, but the more I try the harder it gets and I just wanna give up and forget it all.
My mom and my two littlest siblings and maybe my older sister, who is the bestest friend someone could ever have, might be moving all the way to L.A. with my moms new boy friend and it scares me because some guy who I don't fucking know is taking my kids and my mommy away and it scares the fuck out of me, really it does. But if it does all happen and they move, I'm considering going along.
I mean I'm going to miss all of my friends and my dad and my little brother, Ryan, but I don't think I could remain living with someone who treats me like shit. Every person who I've told that I might move tell me not to but I just need to do what is right for me and if that means leaving Modesto behind then that is what I need to do, leave and get a fresh, clean, new start.
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
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February 24th, 2009
10:34 pm - Is your heart as pure as that chain you wear of gold?
I don't know anymore. I just don't know. I have so much shit just building up inside of me and I can no longer force a smile anymore. I just always have this blank expression.
I'm glad that everyone is finding happiness in their lives and is actually living the way they want.
Oh boy, I envy that so much. I just sit here and wait for things to happen when i already know that if I want to change who I am and change the way I live and actually be happy then I have to get off my ass and do something about it. I know. I get it. I just have no clue where to start.
I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do with my life here in Modesto and knowing my grades make me sick to my stomach considering I'm failing almost everything. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, my mom is moving to L.A. in a couple of months and I'm honestly taking it into consideration to move with her because I hate almost everything about this town and I just really need to get a fresh start and really reinvent myself.
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January 27th, 2009
03:12 pm - Don't say that it's too late cause I need you to care.
I really want to leave this town and never look back.
Just run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run far away, with nothing but my thoughts and memories of the life I once had.
Oh, how much I would love to have a fresh start.
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January 11th, 2009
03:40 pm - I'm not to certain of the things that I say.
So, these past weekened have been fun, well I hope they were.
Lmao. I don't remember much...
Finals this week. Watch me fail.
FUCK THAT.
<3
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December 27th, 2008
12:32 am - Did you really think you'd be happier alone?
I sit and wait for something to come my way, but nothing ever comes.
Why do I keep waiting?
Why?
Why?
Why?
I don't know either.
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December 10th, 2008
09:38 pm - I'm just like you so leave me alone.
I've been so tired lately. When will it be my turn to just relax.
Every night I go to sleep and hope for some rest. Not just sleep, but rest.
I lay restless, hopeless, thoughtless every night.
I feel more bitterness building up in me with every word you tell me.
You really are a shitty person, with a shitty attitude to go along with it.
Yet I listen to every word you have to tell me, and I watch it as it beats me down.
I have yet to find some respect for what you do.
You lie, cheat, and steal from everyone around you.
I hope your satisfied with yourself.
I swear I've never wanted something as much as I want this.
I just really need this. Please.
I'm aware we are all human, but I would think that people would learn from their mistakes.
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November 30th, 2008
06:37 pm - Dear Santa,
I would love to receive any of this.
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01:27 am - throw your diamonds in the sky if your feel the vibe.
There so much I could say. You're never going to change.
Will you learn that you don't need a guy to make you happy.
Do you have him so you can feel better about yourself?
What kind of joy do you have going from guy to guy?
You're not my mother. You're just another fucking teenager.
JUST ONCE. Just Once. It would be nice to have a motherly figure in my life.
All I had was someone to tell me what to do and when to do it,.
And if I choose not to, I choose to meet with a belt.
Maybe you'll finally find your "happiness," but how you're going about it, all you will find is more dead ends to your roads.
I wanna move back, but now I just want to move further away from you.
Oh, and don't worry. I'll find my way around life.
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November 23rd, 2008
07:01 pm - and now you're speechless and i can't stop laughing.
I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, but darling, I don't have the words to tell you.
I've figured out that I haven't changed once again, I just went back to my old ways, which personally I liked.
Sorry, for once again not being who you all wanted me to be.
"...and I'm think I prefer not to be rescued."
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November 9th, 2008
07:30 pm - we'll go so far, you'll see it's not hard.
This weekend was a good one. I finally got away from this house. It was nice.
My mom should leave more... Haha :)
I've literally have been at my dads for like fifteen minutes and I already want to leave again. Why can't he just leave me the fuck alone? Why doesn't he get that I CAN DO THINGS ON MY OWN! Goodness. I'm not fucking six years old anymore... I'M SIXTEEN! I think out of anyone he should know more then anyone how independent I am and I don't need help on making myself what to eat or when to do my laundry or say hi to me whenever I walk past him. I FUCKING KNOW YOU'RE THERE!
Sorry, I'm just fucking irritated. Uhhg.
Well, no school on Tuesday, this should be nice.
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November 2nd, 2008
08:59 pm - Something more is what I'm needing.
Nothing has hurt me more then that blog. It wasn't addressed to me, it didn't have to be. I know it's about me.
Honestly, I know that I have hurt you and I didn't do ANY of this with the intentions of hurting you or living it out like I am.
But I really honestly thought that you would stick by me through it all, no matter what.
Cause I guess I thought best friends would be there till the end considering that's what i was taught.
Now I know, you don't care. You never will, again. I'm sorry for letting you down, day after day.
I'm starting to realize how selfish I am towards what peoples feelings.
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11:59 am - I tried to give you up, but I'm addicted.
Scrambled thoughts. I'm here for you, when will you stop pushing me away?
When will you finally realize that I'm only human and I will make plenty of mistakes in my path.
How come when I want to talk to you, you're availability is limited?
I need you more then anyone, ever.
Why can't we play our old games? Even though I hated it more then ever.
When will it stop being completely awkward around each other?
I hold on to every word you say and I'm not sure why considering you have nothing good to say. I miss you more then I miss my own mother, sometimes.
When will you forgive me and completely trust me, again?
We were going strong for a while, what happened?
I know I disappointed you and I seriously kill myself everyday for it.
Sometimes I would LOVE to strangle you.
Fuck this shit, man.
I'm seriously so sick of life right now.
I've never felt more alone in my life, and I don't know why.
SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME: "I'm never going to give up on you"
and "No matter what we will be friends" and all those lies.
Okay, so what happened to NOT make us friends.
You seriously abandoned me. I've never felt so hurt.
I thought we were what I thought was "best friends" but now I never see you,
and when I do I just wanna cry.
I don't know what happened.
I know it had something to do with me not really feelin' church anymore,
and probably when I started smoking...
Sorry, I tend to screw up a lot.
FML.
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October 21st, 2008
08:10 pm - I know that I've been dancing around the truth.
I'm kind of frustrated at the fact that I'm back to this position, back to where I was at the beginning of the summer.
I don't know where to live. I can't stand where I am though...
Living with my dad isn't as great as I thought it was going to be, when I'm there while he is I feel like I'm being smothered, I feel like I have no space to myself. And I can't stand living with someone who has no trust in me.
Living with my mom isn't to great either, no privacy, being yelled at for shit I have no knowledge of doing or being yelled at for something I didn't even do.
All this thinking has given me the biggest migraine ever, I don't know how to react to anything anymore. I'm over all this, and worse of all, I've letdown someone who I never had an intention of hurting. You're my best friend and now I feel like I don't even know you. When I talk to you, it's just those few words in the hall way. I miss you so much. You were all I had for a long time and now I feel like we're back to where we were before, acquaintances. I hate it so much. I need you in my life, Tabitha, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I NEED YOU!
I love you so much, you're my best friend and now I feel like you want nothing to do with me. I miss spending piratically every day with you like we did over summer. I miss our inside jokes, trading phone, your jogging clothes, laying on the floor, laughing about "fizzle dizzle poot skeets" for three hours, you being the one I came to when I needed something or someone to talk to about anything. I'm not asking for your pitty, I just want to apologize for all the things I've done to hurt you, I miss you, and I didn't mean to hurt you. I really am truly sorry. I looooooove you!
That goes out to everybody. Sorry for all the things I've done to hurt you. If you feel like I'm pushing you away, I don't mean to, I just don't know how to control my feelings sometimes, and just as much as you feel me pushing, I feel the same amount of pressure pushing me away as well. I never really did mean to hurt anyone. I truly am sorry for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I've ever done. I love you all.
<3
Current Music: Bright Eyes.
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October 20th, 2008
08:16 pm
You've got to be fucking kidding me. My dad is seriously getting on my nerves.
I've never felt so hurt in my life, and trust me, I've had a lot of hurt in my life.
Tears are streaming down my face and I don't know what to do...
I need to get out of this house. I'm not happy here, never have been, and I don't think I ever will be.
I honestly was a lot happier at my moms house. Yeah, hard to believe, but I really was.
I've never had to try this hard to put on a fake smile, to pretend that I "love my life." Truth is, I don't. And I think I've came to terms where I never will. Whatever.
I never thought I would say this, but I really do need my mother right now.
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October 13th, 2008
10:40 pm - I could fall asleep in those eyes like a waterbed.
So, this weekend was my birthday weekend and I would like to state that it was THE best birthday EVER.
Friday: Went to Maddy's and smoked alll night, laughed, sang, talked, laughed some more, and met new people.
Saturday: Slept alllllllll dayyy and smoked all day.
Sunday: I turned 16! It was a good day. Maddy and Amanda and my parents threw me a surprise party. It was hecka fun! I had a pinata and a jumpy house! Hella fun ass weekend.
Epic as fuck.
I'm happpy about it.
My dad's a fag.
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October 9th, 2008
08:31 pm - What if the banner falls and the presenters are suffocated?
I guess me disappointing people is big this season. Yeah I know I'm not headed towards the way YOU want me to go, but you know what. Fuck you. I'm sick and tired of living a life where I need to please people to get happiness, because I've finally realized that pleasing you, wasn't really pleasing me.
I'm sick of loosing friends. Drifting from friends. Not talking to people who I care for. It hurts knowing that I hurt them in some way but everyone needs to realize, I'M JUST HUMAN! I can no longer live my life based on what YOU want me to do. Maybe this is just people showing me there true colors, maybe you're really the friend I thought you were. Cause I honestly thought friends were supposed to be there for you, NO MATTER WHAT! Boy was I mistaken.
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Fucking living in this house makes me sick to my stomach. I can't stand living here anymore! I don't know what to do. If I move in with my mom it's just going to be the same thing, all over again. And there still remains, no room for Amelia, anywhere.
Does anybody even read these...?
I don't even care.
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October 5th, 2008
09:29 pm - Baby girl twist away.
Fuck. I'm so excited for my birthday.
I haven't had a party in two years and this one is going to be the best ever.
BIRTHDAY WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKEND!
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Friday needs to hurry, hurry, hurrrray!
Sevennnn daaaysss.
Saturday was fuckin great, just so you all know.
<3
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October 3rd, 2008
06:10 pm - So now you know exactly what it feels like to be an obstacle in my way.
I have a lot more feelings then everyone knows about. I've been nothing but pissed off and hateful towards everyone in this so called "home." They say that "home is where the heart is" if that's the case, I'm homeless.
Because my dad wont admit it, I will for him. My father is a fucking alcohol. I honestly thought living here was going to be easy, but the only easy thing about it is walking to school. I've been thinking about moving back in with my mom but there is nowhere for me there. I have no bed, nothing. I thought I would be happy, but I'm everything but that. Fake smiles and fake laughs are what I'm currently all about. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't write this shit for you to feel bad for me. So, stop.
Here we go, another fuckin weekend at home. I hate this.
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September 27th, 2008
10:29 pm - Silly me and I was so nieave, thats what I get for assuming.
I'm unhappy but I'm doing nothing to fix it. Why?! I've always been the one to fix things when it went wrong, but now I just sit back and watch to see what happens if I stop caring just a little bit. It's gotten kinda bad considering the fact that I don't even know what the hell I'm doing anymore. I have no motivation getting up in the morning anymore, doing any work, being with friends, and even going to church. I don't know whats going on with that. I look so forward to it every week but when I'm there I'm always so mad and I no longer want to be there. I only ever go there to see my friends. Thats kinda sad. Whatever. We'll just say "it's not my season."
I'm done.
Current Music: The Dangerous Summer
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africanamelia's journal
